a blogging milestone

Truth be told, any amount over one is good, but I hit 8000 visits today!! (technically 8030)

Special thanks to Grace, Susan, Brett, Uncle Bob, Uncle Chris, Matt, Omar and probably a few others I’m missing (sorry in advance). You have each visited an average of 1142.857 times over the past 16 months. And yes, of course I figured that out without a calculator…

The most popular post, and you’ll know why when you see it, is this one. 579 views - sad because I think it’s only that popular because of the icture-pay of the unny-bay). Since people can google images and I didn’t put an obscure name on the picture name you can directly locate it. I’ve learned to obfuscate image names better since this. But it’ll be interesting to see how many more freaks people see it by image googling “all-smay unny-bay” (or some variation thereof).

The 2nd most popular? this one (which I attribute to this post being inadvertently linked to someone else’s post—because not that many people care about my cat. I don’t even care that much for him.) 389 views

The 3rd most popular, at 286 views, is this one, which I really just can’t explain. Go figure. Who knew there was such interest?!

My favorite? Any one with a comment from you, dear reader. Keep ‘em coming and thank you for your support and interest, even when I have nothing positive or funny to think, not to mention write about.

 

I’d make a good olympic judge

Sometimes I make myself laugh…

Out of all the olympic games/sports, I love gymnastics and diving the most. Swimming, running, rowing…borrrinnng.

But if I see diving and/or gymnastics then I’m in. The grace, strength, flexibility and fluidity are simply amazing (like I have to tell you).

Anyway, I must be watching it too much: I realized that I have the “ability” to see the little things, the imperfections: “Ooh, a little off-center there.” “He fell?!” “That back flip on the balance beam wasn’t as extended as it should’ve been,” etc.

Then the crack wore off and I realized, “Helloooo?! You can’t do more than 3 push-ups, this year was the first time you could do the breast stroke without your whole center sinking to the bottom, and you haven’t even been to the gym in 2 months.”

In other words, what the hell gives me the right to be critiquing anyone?! I laughed when I realized this.

But (positive spin coming) that’s when I realized I could use my powers for good and that I’d be a good olympic judge (or a TV commentator** for that matter). I could pull the most minute faults out of a seemingly flawless performance to point out what the athlete “should” be doing.

I have the ability to see the finer details that most people miss. What can I say? It’s a blessing and a curse.

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**Have you ever really considered the word “commentator”? Why isn’t it just called a “commenter”? One can comment but can one “commentate”? Is that a word?

 

Are horoscopes true? An unscientific comparison

1. This horoscope comes courtesy of my pager: “Too many choices have you feeling confused and cornered.” OK, this is definitely true. I think. I don’t know.

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2. Here’s the newspaper version for today: “Decisions made yesterday flow into positive actions today. Your mind is ignited with pro-active ideas to bring about your desired changes and you will focus much energy in this direction. There is little patience for trivial matters yet you will find a touching moment comes to you unexpectedly that brings healing to an old concern.”

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OK, similar theme about changes…and I’d like to think I’ll have a touching moment, and of course who wouldn’t want to “bring healing to an old concern”? I rate this one “too generic and fortune cookie-like, but with a hint of truth that anyone could relate to.”

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3. Next, an online version: “The string of fiddly and unsettling lunar aspects brings with it a significant increase in your emotional intensity. This could be very beneficial if you are in a new relationship. If you are single or in an established relationship you may need to keep a grip on any emotional outbursts!”

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Well I’m always emotionally intense so it’s hard to imagine it increasing unless I have a full-out breakdown or go postal, both of which I hope to avoid. God knows the relationship part is n/a, and yet there’s that pesky mention of change (i.e.-”unsettling lunar aspects”) but what the hell does that even mean? I vote that horoscope as a “not true.”

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4. And finally, from another online source: “You shouldn’t be shy about speaking up today — people are listening, even if they don’t appear to be. Your ability to impress them with the force of ideas alone is remarkable and valuable.”

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Right, like I’ve ever been accused of being too shy to speak up…It’s too soon in the day to know if this one is accurate, so I’m rating it a “???”

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Well, there it is. An unscientific comparison of an unscientific genre made by an unscientific person.

 

Calling Pat B.

Usually when someone calls (and I now know who is calling since I finally have caller id) I don’t say “Hello?” as though I don’t know who it is. (Why do people do that?!)

I usually just jump right in and say whatever’s pertinent to knowing the person or that’s relevent to something that’s going on, or (ideally) something that’s funny.

Maybe I’ll pick up the phone and just start talking as though we’re already in a conversation or I’ll make — and I know you’ll find this hard to believe — a smart### remark.

Ideally it’s funny, but usually there’s a pause before what I say ‘clicks’ with the caller. Regardless, this apparently unusual behavior takes people off guard.

So I had that paid back in spades recently when I called a friend and he answered: “Carters’ Summer Home — summer home and summer not.” *

Get it?! It’s probably better heard than read but say it out loud a couple of times and see if you start laughing like I did.

If you don’t get it just call and I’ll answer the phone that way for you, and you will laugh.

It totally caught me off guard, but at least I now know how my telephone “greetings” kind of throw people. It gives you pause, but once it sinks in you usually laugh.

Not expecting the unexpected can be fun and It keeps your brain elastic. (I have no scientific evidence of this but it sounds accurate doesn’t it?)

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* and they don’t have caller id so he didn’t know it was me — he just said it

 

The Crime Beat - yes, it’s really like this out there

Police were called because a woman reported that her daughter “was leaving her mangy mutt of a dog at her house.”

So they go there and the daughter said she didn’t want to take the dog with her because the “seat belt on the passenger side was not working, so legally she could not transport the dog.

The officers advised her that it would be ok to have the dog sit in the back seat without a seat belt.

They further advised (her) that in case she was stopped for not having the dog buckled up, they would clear it with the officers who stopped her.”

 

Summer m/vole count (summary for those in a hurry: 7)

<previous entry on same topic but you can also click on the ‘Summer m/vole count’ category to the right - nobody ever does though so that’s why I do these ‘click by numbers’ kind of prefaces - it’s for YOUR convenience, since you are kind enough to read me>

I keep forgetting to add this one into the count: My friend, P, was kind enough to clean up parts of a m/vole when he cleaned my back (screened in) porch for me recently.

The real beauty humor in it was that he didn’t realize he was cleaning up animal guts. He just said “There was something gross over there…” hehehe

I’ll knock on wood, but so far it’s been a bad summer for “kitty satisfaction” in the m/vole department.

There are lots of baby bunnies around though. Lord knows the “my breed was bred for bunny-sniffing” beagle isn’t getting any, but that’s okay because this time (click here) was traumatic enough to last me a few years.

number 7

 

Sittin’ pretty

• How much I needed a new pink salmon toilet seat: You be the judge. <Click here.>

• Time spent looking for new pink salmon toilet seats: approx. 362 hours

• Number of real stores visited to find new pink salmon toilet seats: approx. 6

• Number of real stores’ websites visited to find new pink salmon toilet seats: 3

• Number of toilet seats found when I finally decided to scroogle “toilet seat”: 8 bazillion

• Number of pink salmon toilet seats found when I scroogled “pink salmon toilet seat”: 3 bazillion

• Number of pink salmon toilet seats purchased: 3

• Number of padded pink salmon toilet seats (aka “winter seats”) purchased: 2

• Number of regular pink salmon toilet seats (aka “summer seat”) purchased: 1

• Number of pink salmon summer seats installed today: 1

• Number of scratches on heiny since installing pink salmon summer toilet seat: 0

• How glad I am to have a new toilet seat, even if it is pink salmon: priceless

 

Did I really just say that?!

I’m almost embarrassed (”almost” being the operative word here) to admit this but do you know what I just said to my dog (as I was carrying her away, and not caring about her comfort, from something she would not leave)?

I said, “Yeah, well, you should’ve thought of that before you did it.”

Seriously. I just can’t believe that came out of my mouth. To a dog…

Remarks like that just must be deeply deeply ingrained (engrained?) in a person so they can be blurted out before even realizing it’s a concept to think. I just have to hold onto the hope of it being deeply en/ingrained because otherwise it means I’m crazy.

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Be quiet — I heard you think that.

<related post>

 

Guess what? I’m bi…

Yeah, it’s true: I’m bi.

Bi-focular, that is. (Yep, made up another word.)

After 6 years I could no longer avoid them, the b-fs that is. Before, I could just peek over or under my frames and see, but lately I’ve had to take off my glasses AND get close to see some things.

Like books. Reee reee reee — that’s when the alarm bells went off. That and too many headaches.

It was like 3rd grade all over again, only now I can’t see up close and I’m 45, not 10.

Other than that though, it’s just like 3rd grade:

• Even when wearing them, I can’t see yet. Everything around the edges is blurry and fish-eyed.
• I loved riding the RoundUp in 3rd grade. I feel like I’m riding the RoundUp now too. Unlike 3rd grade though, I now have recurring vertigo, so riding the RoundUp is not so appealing.
• Headaches indicate you need glasses, yet ironically, when you get the new glasses you may also get headaches until you’re “used” to them. Happened in 3rd grade when I got my 1st pair; happened now that I’ve gotten my first progressive lenses. Please note: I will no longer refer to them as “bi-focals” because that sounds — way older than 3rd grade.

The one big difference between now and 3rd grade though: When I was in 3rd grade, I wanted whatever my aunt, who is 4 years older than me, had.

So in 3rd grade, I got granny glasses, which were all the rage then (merely coincidental to the fact that my idol wore them).

Now, even though I’m told these “all the rage” (style-wise) (same with the last 2 pairs), I always (at first anyway) hate the frames I “decided” on, and I need a lot of reassurance and validation from others.

To give you an idea of how bad it is, I had to have one trip with my sister (4 if you count all the places we went) and one with my friend, and I got the optician’s advice and the doctor’s advice, and took pix with my phone’s camera (which, BTW, I’m told is NOT unusual for glasses-triers-onners).

Then (irony or subconscious choice? You be the judge) I think I ended up getting the one pair I vetoed when I looked through my phone pix. I can’t bear to rehash it all by looking through the pix because really, what would be the point? It’s too late now.

You can imagine how much the place I ended up buying them from was sooooooooooo glad to see me go. It’s a good thing I can make people laugh while they hate me.

But here’s the thing: I feel vulnerable when I get new glasses. I want to project a certain image: professional, yet kind of funky, chic, au courant AND halfway decent-looking. If you make a poor attempt for the same in undergarments, you can at least hide them. You can’t hide your glasses though.

Plus, unlike underwear, they’re so effing expensive that you can’t just go get another pair if you don’t like what you end up with. Hell, I’d easily have 50-60 pairs if that were the case.

So I’m just wearing them at home for now, until I get my non-roundup legs and no more headaches. Hopefully by then I’ll like them more too.

 

More ways to avoid doing what you “should” be doing

<Click here for previous insight on this topic>

-move branches of annuals that are in front of the tomato so the annuals are positioned juuuuust right to allow the proper amount of light through to the tomatoes (guaranteed time-killer if you do it right)

-move bird feeders around to encourage the goldfinches and hummingbirds to come over

-see if you have new tomatoes coming out (yes!)

-see if you have new squash coming out (no)

-look up why squash plant won’t produce

-look up why squash plant has powdery mildew

-take coffee grounds outside and carefully spread

-water plants, carefully re-positioning sprinkler every 10 minutes so that every single plant gets its proper amount of water

-consider how hot Charleston SC must be right now

-figure out how you could take your favorite perennials with you if you ever decide to move (and which ones you’d want to take) and how long they’d last if they traveled in a car vs. a moving van

-walk dog even though she doesn’t want to since it’s 450° outside

-swing on swing set at park and practice those vertigo exercises you’ve been meaning to try for 2 years

-untangle stupid dog who gets between your legs while you are swinging

-seriously consider vacuuming the house

-semi-seriously consider moving the 2 tons of mulch created in easement in front when trees were cut down

-write a blog post about all the ways you could avoid / can avoid / have avoided doing what you really need to do

-play on the ball you use as a chair to see if you can balance on it while laying/lying straight as a board

-keep typing about nothing so you don’t have to post the post and get back to doing what you really need to do but don’t want to really do

 

Another non-dream, unmet

I was a bit disappointed this afternoon.

<Background> If I’m around on Sat. afternoons I listen to Weekend America on NPR (of course). I at least have it on as background noise.

Last w/end there was a segment on “planned obsolescence.” It was about how things aren’t made to last because “they” need you to keep buying new things to keep “them” in business.

Or at least I think it was about that. I say that because the only thing I really remember was the commentator’s opening remark about how his vacuum cleaner needs repair but he doesn’t “feel like” getting it fixed, so he was going to take it to the <what’s the word for “environmentally responsible landfill?”> and get a new one.

It was his seg-way into the planned obsolesence story, which has I listened to it might have been good, but which I was too pi@@@ed off to concentrate on. His attitude wasn’t “well it’s 50 years old so it’s had a good life” or “it’d cost more to fix in than I could afford / want to spend” or “it’s so old it blows instead of suck.”

His attitude seemed more (to me, IMHO) to be “I’m too lazy to get it fixed but as long as i get rid of it responsibly I can go be a good little consumer and just buy a new one.”

I try not to preach my values (no really, I do try) unless asked or unless you just do something really bone-headed like say “I don’t feel like it.” That just stuck in my craw (obviously, since I don’t even remember the story).

I sent them a comment suggesting alternate ways to deal with it, like really being responsible and getting it fixed, that dumping it in the eco-landfill and buying a new one is the last option in the “reduce reuse recycle” flow, how he could get it fixed and donate it somewhere AND get a tax deduction (Hey-I ain’t stupid), etc.

And I made a point to mention how I use my former piece, Grandma N’s Eureka Princess (seen here)

as a back porch / basement vacuum cleaner now. It’s not the BEST sucker-upper, but it doesn’t have to be for those areas (and it beats sweeping) (background on the Eureka Princess).

Anyway, I got an email from a Weekend America producer saying they wanted to use my comments in a follow up segment on Sat. and when/how could they reach me.

(Sometimes they read comments on the air and sometimes the writer-inner reads them on the air, so the 1st thing I did after responding was begin my vocal exercises.)

But as the week wore on and I didn’t hear back from Millie, I realized they weren’t going to use it. Sure enough, I (deliberately) listened today and they had consulted an “expert” instead.

I guess they got more comments that people are (get this) “hard-wired to shop” (?!) so they decided on the dude with the doctorate instead of the dude-ette with the Art History degree. BTW, the PhD said that theory was bullkaka, which I could’ve told them and they’d have had a “two-fer” but whatever.

Anyway, it would have been fun but I’ve had plenty of media exposure, thank you, what with walking behind <insert name of childhood tv star who ended up on drugs but in the meantime was in the Toyota celebrity charity race that occurs before the Long Beach Grand Prix here> while Entertainment Tonight was interviewing him.

And then my niece, my dog and I were on a local tv show (a crowd shot, but they did a close up of Girl the beagle ’cause she’s so damn cute except last night when I got home and discovered her accident on the wood floor).

And another time I was in the paper with my friend Jane when we (left work early and) went to Ted Drewes. They took a photo of us and inserted with one of those “isn’t it great that spring is here” kind of captions.

And of course, I was mentioned in a nationally-read blog, blogher and icanhascheezburger (click here to view semi-related story)

So I mean, I’ve had my share of fame that I never even asked for. But this? This would’ve been national syndicated exposure. To what end I can’t say, since I’ve never craved national syndicated exposure, but it would’ve been fun.

sniff sniff Alas, it was not meant to be…I guess it will keep me humble until the next media opportunity comes along.

 

Overheard at work…

Fred: “Vengeance is a dish best served cold.”

Rob: “Ah, Shakespeare?”

Fred: “No, Star Trek.”

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Concise version:

“The Bard?”

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“No, Picard.”

 

Lame thrill or cheap thrill?

It’s a sad day when you are excited to see gas at “only” $3.79/gallon….

 

I almost had to get a new bathroom.

All I can say is ‘thank god for the internet.’ Well, of course you know that’s not all I can say, because that would be boring (”Why Marie/y, how could that be more boring than hearing you whine about dead animals on your back porch?” Yes, I heard you say that.).

I have had the same nasty (albeit clean) cracked padded toilet seat on my toilet for long enough (i.e.-it’s cracked enough) that it pinches your heiny (sp?) when you sit. You are probably saying “Well duh Marie/y, have you ever thought of buying a new toilet seat?”

The answer is: “Of course, you so-and-so!” (I don’t want to insult my readership so I won’t say ‘you moron’ or ‘you idiot.’)

The problem is this:

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Yeah, it’s pink salmon. Just like all the fixtures in my otherwise BLUE bathroom.

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God, WHAT were they thinking? Who could have ever thought those 2 colors would be aesthetically pleasing or appropriate together??? The only thing I could think of to “improve” it was to really shock the eyes with a sunshine yellow towel and rug ensemble.

That said, I LOVE my soft padded seat. It makes it so much less traumatic to go the bathroom in the winter. Nothing makes your iliopsoas and SI joint seize up faster than sitting on a cold toilet seat in the dead of winter.

Usually I switch to the non-padded (cooler) seats for summer, but a couple of years ago I started having problems finding salmon toilet seats, padded or not.

I knew it was just a matter of time before they were extinct, but knowing something intellectually and living it are entirely different.

The last time I bought them I got two in anticipation (yet not quite believing) they’d go extinct. And boy am I glad I did. I have gone to every hardware store in the bi-state region an 8-mile radius and they are just gone. No hard ones, no soft ones, no pink.

Consequently I’ve practically needed stitches from sitting on this for so long , such a long time , for brief periods even briefly over many months.

Someone suggested I “just get white.” Uh helloooo?! Have you NO sense of aesthetics?! It’s not bad enough I have pink salmon fixtures in a blue room, but now you want me to get a toilet seat that, while great on a white toilet, would make the whole room look more ridiculous, if that’s even possible.

And so I kept getting pieces of plastic embedded in me until I finally went online. duh

At first I tried the “traditional” online presences for brick and mortar stores to no avail. Although you can (get it? can? the can? going to the can? It really wasn’t intentional), for ~$66 choose a toilet seat from a palette of 94 colors from Bemis.

Anyway, in desperation I just Scroogled it (no that’s not Google, it’s Scroogle — at scroogle.org. It’s Google, but with privacy. LOVE it.

I typed in pink padded soft toilet seat, and there it was, at an ace hardware outlet store. Not a good sign that Ace has relegated them to the outlet, since Ace is where I’ve gotten my last several, but I ordered two.

And no fat people will be allowed to sit on it and it will only be used in the winter. I also ordered one regular non-padded one for summer usage.

By the time they’re totally unavailable I will either have a new bathroom, will be moved out, or that color ensemble will be back (?) in fashion.

You just wait. In about 10 years, Restoration Hardware will start selling them for $100. apiece.

 

Review: a folksy remedy with a 21st century twist

Background: Every year for the past 15 years there’ve been 2 areas on my back porch where flies congregate.

I kill ‘em all off, they’re back later in the day. Sometimes a few venture inside <another anecdote>, and since there have been more coming inside lately, I decided to see if I could find a natural remedy to get rid of them at the source.

More background: Yes, I have checked for stagnant water, dead animals, dog/cat poop, garbage, etc. I even patched the screens.

The previous owners obviously knew about this since they left a fly swatter on the porch. At the time I couldn’t imagine why, in the modern age of screens, people would need a fly swatter.

HA! That question was answered about 5 minutes after I moved in. One of the many little problems they didn’t mention. I think they got a bit of karmic payback in that they are now divorced.

Anyway, I found a site on the nerdnet, getridofthings.com. Had I looked at the home page, a couple of things might have clued me in, like the subtitle, “A People’s Guide to Better Living.”

There’s something about “A People’s Guide…” that just grates at me. I’m not really sure, but it seems like “A Person’s Guide” or “Your Guide” or “People’s Guide” might be okay, but “A People’s Guide”??? Oh wait - I get it. Maybe they mean it in kind of a retro-Soviet and/or hippy thing (”Power to the Peoples”?). OK, never mind.

Anyhoo, some of the recent articles on “How to get rid of…”

• Flea beetles
• Carpet beetles
• Japanese beetles
• a Ghost

Under flies, the natural remedies that were submitted and confirmed by literally dozens of “peoples” were:

• Filling ziploc bags halfway with water and “hanging them up.” Needless to say, I haven’t figured out how to do that yet.
• Hang up cds.

Both of these are allegedly effective because flies don’t see well and/or think these are wasp nests, depending on which folksy reason you want to believe.

I decided to try the least - messy -though - definitely - most- tacky option, the cds. I had such high hopes for this remedy. This is not your grandmother’s remedy. This is the 21st century remedy to an age-old problem. It has to work, right?

I put up 3 cds in strategic locations with fishing line (’cause that’ll help the cds look less obvious, right?), but, well, you be the judge.

If nothing else this photo illustrates how difficult it is to photograph flies. It’s hard to focus and not have them move when you’re standing on a flimsy chair wavering around and cursing a lot. There were easily a dozen flies laughing at me from their cool new hangout each cd (not to mention the neighbors).

Every fly I killed earlier has been replicated at least 3 times over. You’re seeing only a handful of the ones that weren’t off taunting me from another screen.

At least they stay in the same 2 corners year after year, but I would like to get rid of them.

Sooo…god help me the baggy/water solution is gonna be next, when I’m in a really good mood. And feel like getting really wet.

But here’s kind of a cool bug I photo’d. successfully. All I know is that it lets you get really close but it does fly. And it was really lost if it was on my porch.