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Well, yet again I find myself finally returning this summer’s reading for punishment – (Train your Mind, Change Your Brain — apparently I did neither) after renewing it the maximum # of times (originally checked out 6/2).

So yeah, I’ve had it checked out for about 3 1/2 months, haven’t finished it, and it’s overdue, as were at least 2 previous selections for reading for punishment: The Lost Gospel of Judas Iscariot and The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching.

Someone with a larger ego might be embarrassed not completing them, but nope – not me. A bit disappointed, but not embarrassed. I tried, right? And it’s not like I totally slacked off in the reading department: I did manage to catch up on several months’ worth of O, National Geographic, Vanity Fair, Smithsonian, More, and read several thriller-type and just-plain-funny books…

What did you read this summer? (If it was something like Proust please don’t comment.)

Have lived without my laptop 3 weeks now and am missing it more as time passes…I am at the libarry now, using the public machines, which is cool, but it’s not the same as having it at home…

Here’s what I miss:

  • gizmodo.com
  • lifehacker.com
  • consumerist.com
  • tmz.com (I’m ashamed. Shallow, but ashamed)
  • unclutterer.com
  • netvibes.com

What I knew I’d miss and now I really miss:

  • tvguide (What am I missing on my local PBS digital stations? What will I miss because I don’t know about it? Is The Office on next week or another stupid “reality” show?)
  • podcasts: (I am so far behind in downloading audio I wouldn’t get to for another year anyway but now I won’t even know what I’ve missed ’cause it’ll drop off the list and I’m too lazy to go to the websites and see what was on.)
  • Ability to download more podcasts to phone, cd, mp3 player
  • Same with music (am over Poco for a while)
  • Looking up stuff on the fly (Who was that author on the radio? Wonder what’s on sale at Target this week? What’s the difference between cayenne, red, chili peppers? When is my library book due?)
  • Online bill paying
  • Even my (offline) ‘Come to Hayzeus’ (talk it out) with my budget
  • Missed the last 2 episodes of Samantha Who and it’s bugging me.
  • Blogging: I’m actually not sure I miss it. While I always have something to say (no big surprise there, eh?) and moments of inspiration (no really!) and the desire to let it out on “paper,”  work is sucking the life out of me and what’s left is taken by the Fanster. Not to mention it’s summer and I like reading on the back porch and/or going to the pool…

I was thinking about doing Twitter, because I frequently have random thoughts that would be perfectly suited to Twitter’s über-haiku format. But then I think “what if I only have 2 followers?” and I think I would get depressed about that.

And then I thought about doing Facebook, because even some of my (ahem) uncles have been harassing me about not having a page. But I don’t need something else to suck my time away, and I don’t want to be in touch with anyone from high school except the one I’m in touch with, and I’m not going to be “friending” my boss, so WTF? I can’t even stay in touch with friends in the real world, so now I should be “friends” in the cyberworld?!

I guess I could use it to post pix and what – only – a- parent – thinks – is -perfectly – adorable- ramblings about my dog  (the Poopy Diaper Chronicles?) and do some mini-twitters (something about a wall in FB? Mine would always say ‘Marie/y is walking her dog’), but I hear FB is addictive, and if there’s one thing that someone who quit smoking 6 years, 5 months, and 29 days ago does not need is something to become addicted to.

And then I review my life over the last couple of months, and it’s “all puppy all the time” (“and did I tell you she can stay ‘down’ for more than 10 seconds now? and she has the attention span of a butterfly?”)

yawwwwnnnnn – the Poopy Diaper Chronicles

Or possibly worse, with the exception of a no-holds-barred job hunt to move down South, I am living virtually the same life I was last year at this time: bitching about grass growing in the garden and not in the yard, working too much (although this year I have the punishment of making less money—yeah yeah, I know…at least I have a job–whatever–tell it to my 401k), walking the dog (albeit a new dog) all the time, talking about my grandmother’s Eureka Princess vacuum cleaner (it died btw), wondering where all the flies come from.

Sure there are a few variables, but essentially I am living Groundhog Day. Basically my life has been so rote that I don’t even have the twisted point of view to make fun of it here (or anywhere).

That was also an alarming realization – if nothing else I’ve always had my twisted perspective to see me through…

Add that to the fact that (for reasons out of my control) I haven’t had a vacation this year, nor met several goals I had for myself a year ago, and suffice it to say I had a mini-wakeup call.

So I decided that I’m going to re-frame this time in my life as a time to prepare for what lies ahead. Not that I know what that is mind you, but what I have now isn’t what I had planned…I’m not used to that – I usually meet my goals.

So for now I’m looking for cheap thrills (on every level) and am mixing it up a little: Going into work later, taking 1/2 day off, making more effort to see my friends, getting rid of toxic friends, seeing my cousin’s baby (who I keep calling my niece, but since I don’t see mine I’m adopting this one as my 3rd niece), going a different way to work, etc.

Even taking the dog somewhere different to walk, since I have walked every single street within the surrounding mile and am sick of it all. I now actually frequently drive my dog for a walk. That just seems wrong, but I don’t care. I’ll go stark, raving madder if I have to keep walking the same walk.

But yeah, I’m doing crazy stuff like that. Next thing you know I’ll be trolling for men in bars or something. Anything is possible. I just have to see the possibility through the b.s. I’m swimming in.

note to self: possible book title “Swimming in (Through?) Sh!t” – need subject

But, don’t abandon me dear reader (even those of you who’ve reduced me to your “check once a week” list). Short of an original thought, I have 50+ drafts I can always post, and stay tuned for my new dog treat name and tagline idea.

More to come but in the meantime I’ll be living a the dream.

I’m desperately trying to re-frame this time in my life as a time to prepare for what lies ahead.

Dear Diary,

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written but have had much going on. Have started drafts on many things (all those drafts, so little time) but in a nutshell,

–new temp. gig (I guess technically they’re all temporary really); Today was my 5th day and I finally have almost all (software) tools and accesses to do my job (if I knew what that was). This will be a test of how quickly I can learn many new things all at once.

<side note: Historically, this has not been my modus operandi. I’m usually slow to learn.  Just when you wonder if I could possibly have any more questions, I amaze you with my brilliance.>

–Finally, after successfully avoiding it for 16+ years, I pulled the old caulk out of my tub. It was just as ugly a job as I thought it would be (no backer rods! 1st layer of caulk still present). But I was “saved” from actually doing the deed (re-caulking) because…

–Was on the losing end of a (literal) cat fight:  My days as a hand model are over. They don’t stitch animal wounds because of the infection risk.

Having had infections as results of the previous 2 times I tried saving Li’l Effer from the evil neighbor cat, you’d think I’d have learned by now, but $250 later, I can finally say I have learned. I had to leave the Bubster to fend for himself and run in to call for help. He’s an a-hole but he’s really a wimp at heart so I felt guilty (later actually, not at the time), but tough sh**.

He was traumatized but I was injured. The swelling is down, the wound is almost closed, and the scarring has begun. Couldn’t get my hand wet for many days but since I couldn’t really move it, it didn’t matter much.

ow1

No, my hands are not normally this fat…I couldn’t even wear my bling, so that should tell you something!

0213092002

–Learning new electronics: This must be how a dieter feels when they go off their diet. So much for less consumption and all that crap. More to come but it is time-consuming to play with learn new stuff.

‘K diary, gotta go figure out my antenna so I can set the DVR.

TTFN xx

me

…off.

Today.

Obviously, I would’ve preferred what you were thinking but unfortunately no.

My last day was supposed to be a week from tomorrow and honestly, I dreaded going back to “the ‘we’re combining’ to make the Everywhere Place into the Holy Crap It’s a Huge Mega Company.” Been there, done that, and it sucks.

So I guess it’s “better this way” despite not knowing a lot yet and I’m sure “it’ll all be for the best in the end” and blah blah blah. But as I’ve said before – many times – “it’s the middle part that sucks.”

So stay with me kids. When I get under-employed is when I get the funniest because I have to look for something to make me smile see things in a skewed way am already twisted it just comes out am delusional guess we’ll find out…

I won’t become a “victim of the economy anything”  but if I call you crying just bear with me. If I run out of food, feed me a meal.

If I tie my animals’ paws together and put them on the curb because they’re driving me nuts because I’ve been home with them all day untape them and tell them to run away. If I call and ask how to make cat food taste better, give me some spice ideas. If I call to see if you have extra furniture, give it to me so I can burn it for heat.

Most of all, if you want my resume to pass along to someone who works at a cool company I’d like to work at (preferably near a beach) then call me. <Sprout:  copy is coming.>

Other than that I promise I’ll try to keep the Elizabeth Kübler-Ross stages of grief off these pages.

Welcome along for the journey…

moowahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…

That’s me, asking myself that question, by the way. I have a lot of questions for myself:

  • Why haven’t I been blogging?
  • Don’t I know that ~6 people are depending on me to provide my skewed perspective on my life?
  • Don’t I feel a sense of obloggation obligation to my readership?
  • Don’t I know that people will stop reading this if I don’t make more of an effort?
  • What could possibly be more important than doing this?
  • Have I at least been gardening or reading or watching tv or visiting with friends or ANYTHING for fun since I’m clearly not blogging?

Unfortunately, the only answers I can provide are the guilt-ridden responses of a recovering catholic who knows she “should” give some decent answers even though I can’t really talk about it anyway. In short, I’ve been busy.

Mostly it’s job-related. That’s all I can really say right now, but I haven’t been gardening, haven’t been reading much, have a pile of DVR’d shows to watch, haven’t even been reading my Netvibes RSS page. sigh

All work and not enough play…makes me want to sleep 8+ hours a night (10+ on weekends!).

Lately, my relaxation has been either walking the dog or depodding my cleome plants. See this post for more exciting details.

And another exciting thing I’ve been doing is blowing up this damn ball (the smaller one-duh):

Do you know how long it takes to do this without the benefit of an air compressor? It takes months. OK, that might be slightly exaggerated but still, it takes surprisingly long…

Are you wondering why I have 2 balls?

I got the new one because it won’t roll away. It has sand in the bottom to weigh it down. It rocks!

Oh, it’s a chair, by the way. I use it at home when I’m at my desk. It helps with my back pain.

Now I can take the old one, which rolls away unless it’s on a stand that I hate, to work, where I can stuff it under my desk when I leave at night and use it for hallway bowling.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know I think of you lots and haven’t forgotten about you. I’ll be back with less vague information and more motivation when I can. xxoo

Seldom have I had so much to talk about and so little time to say it…

It’s almost painful actually: I have SOOO many thoughts, things to write, and stuff to process just all swirling around, and my brain is swelling to capacity.

Let’s hope it doesn’t blow before I get some time.

I considered using the excuse of having just had a baby (so my time is limited) but who the hell’s gonna believe that, although one of my cousins did recently believe me when I told him I was preggo.

Really, I’ll just be happy to find a dress for my sister’s wedding and getting through the next few months without having a heart attack. That’s all I’m really looking for right now…Those are my big goals. Oh, and a new job! That pesky little detail that I almost forgot yet am (rightly) obsessed about.

I’ve been a slacker with my blogging, I know. I’m sorry.

I think of things to write about all the time but there’s a lot going on right now and I am trying hard (and succeeding!) to get at least 8 hours of sleep too.

Here are some highlights:

***watering the garden: OK, are you done guffawing? I know it shouldn’t be a big deal, but it takes 2 hours (at least) when you’re anal and have a lot to water and have uneven water pressure. The neighbors sometimes don’t even have to water their garden but uneven water pressure also means I’ve unknowingly just spent the last 15 min. with the sprinkler watering my bricks.

It’s time-consuming! TG for those recent hurricane remnants of rain. I just can’t take 2 hours to water the damn garden twice a week (and that doesn’t include special waterings for the recent transplants – see below).

***walking the dog: I have had to actually walk my own dog every single day for the past few weeks because my normal save – my – butt – but – I – have -more – on – my – butt – as – a – result – of – not – walking – my – own – dog – enough dog walker broke his toe.

Clearly he wasn’t putting my needs ahead of his and didn’t believe me when I suggested that walking might help make him heal faster. So there’s at least an hour gone every day.

***On the other hand, if I hadn’t been out walking a few weeks ago past someone’s house and known they kept bees, I couldn’t have asked how to get the wasps out of the birdhouse. Turns out she knew who I was from the pool even though I had no idea who she was.

That was a bit embarrassing but come on? Who (besides me apparently) looks the same in wet in their swimming suit as they do on dry land?! Anyway, if I hadn’t been walking my very own dog I wouldn’t have had her send her husband (the beekeeper) over.

***socializing with the neighbors: it’s been so nice out that all the peeps have been outside. This often turns a walk around the block into a “hell yes I’ll have a drink to delay my walk catch up with you.”

***This will be its own post soon (depending on how you define “soon”), but Extreme Makeover Home Edition has been in MY humble burg, about 3 blocks away. Since god forbid I should walk without the dog and you can’t bring dogs into their 3 block perimeter, I have only seen the actual site once (with the neighbor girls of course – see below).

But I have chatted with show security guards Fletch and Hulk Hogan look-alike-guy, and with the second female cop in our town (still waiting for a non-caucasian, but despite the diversity of the population, the administration is dragging behind a bit) and with a cop from the adjacent town (I knew he was from the adjacent town not just because of his different cop car, but also because he’s not caucasian. How sad is that.

I also talked to the nice cop who pulled me over and didn’t give me a ticket (versus the other 2 that did). So look back here soon’ish for the real scoop on how they do Extreme Makeover Home Edition. It’s pretty amazing really.

***Driving 15 miles (3 times) to dig up someone else’s garden (with their permission). Long story short, the garden had to be removed (which is akin to murder IMHO), so I went on 3 rescue missions. I would’ve gone on a 4th but they tore it up before I could get back.

I’d like to say I’ve also planted everything I got, but that’s not the case. Please don’t tell my mother that most of the plants I’m “temporarily planting” until her next bed is ready are still in the buckets 1 1/2 months after being dug up. Dear god it’s been all I can do to water, not to mention plant all this extra crap.

***The neighbor girls coming over: There’s an 7′ish year-old behind me and a 4 year-old next to HER, and they’re buddies. The 7 year-old, named Lydia (pictured in this post), has a “fort” in their yard. Whenever she (and her siblings before her) are bored or are just outside and I come out, she yells out (from the top of the fort where she’s been waiting to see me come out) “Hi Mawy Kafrine! What are you doooing?” which of course is quickly followed by “Can we come ovuh?”

So me being the sucker I am let her and/or Bella (the 4 year old) come over. Sometimes we “play” in the garden (they weed or dig a hole!), sometimes we have sherbet on the back porch, Bella has helped make pesto, and we all 3 walked over (with the dog) to deliver a gooey-butter cake to the security staff, since you can’t come to this city and NOT have one. It’s the only city that even has them.

Sometimes the girls come over and actually play, but when they look back later, they’ll realize how much free labor I got out of ‘em. Anyhoo, imagine going outside and having cute kids invite themselves over. I tell them no at least twice for every once, but they sure are outside a lot…

***J-o-b hunting: THAT’s the task that’s really eating up my time. Plus I have an added complication, which I’ll discuss at a future – but – soon date, but all those customized cover letters about why I would be such a great addition to your fabulous company are time-consuming.

I’ve been lucky and have made some headway (i.e.-interviews) but I don’t believe in waiting until you hear from one until you apply for the next one, so I’ve got a lot of irons in the fire. I started a spreadsheet, and even contemplated a database, but I’d rather use a chisel and stone spreadsheet than Access, so that’s how I’m doing it. Plus indeed.com, filters on my email and a folder on my hard drive. It’s simple, really.

***FINALLY finished reading the Secrets of the Sistine Chapel, (discussed here) which was fascinating, if a little tedious (maxed it out at 9 weeks checked out of the library). The authors present a compelling case that Michaelangelo’s work for the catholic church is actually a subversive eff-you that brings in the Talmud, Kabbalah, Midrash, and other non – church – sanctioned perspectives and symbolism that are illustrated in the chapel’s ceiling. fackinating.

***What I haven’t been doing: reading the Buddha book. My greatest failing this summer, besides not planting those plants yet. I maxed it out at 9 weeks, got a replacement from the other library for another 2 weeks, and then maxed out the city libarry copy again and still never got past page 59.

How am I supposed to learn more about calming and centering and philosophy and if I want to study this more, if I can’t even concentrate on a book about it?! Seems like a trick to me.

Well, if that’s my biggest failure this summer I think I can live with myself. I have a resin Lowe’s Buddha in the garden so that’s gotta count for something, right?

So bear with me while I sort through all these activities. OMG, I haven’t even posted the contest winner and my comments about the submissions, or the last 3 dead animals on the porch. Well, I also haven’t paid my bills for a couple of weeks now, so I’m betting that given a choice between the two, I will first post then pay. My priorities are in line…

Truth be told, any amount over one is good, but I hit 8000 visits today!! (technically 8030)

Special thanks to Grace, Susan, Brett, Uncle Bob, Uncle Chris, Matt, Omar and probably a few others I’m missing (sorry in advance). You have each visited an average of 1142.857 times over the past 16 months. And yes, of course I figured that out without a calculator…

The most popular post, and you’ll know why when you see it, is this one. 579 views – sad because I think it’s only that popular because of the icture-pay of the unny-bay). Since people can google images and I didn’t put an obscure name on the picture name you can directly locate it. I’ve learned to obfuscate image names better since this. But it’ll be interesting to see how many more freaks people see it by image googling “all-smay unny-bay” (or some variation thereof).

The 2nd most popular? this one (which I attribute to this post being inadvertently linked to someone else’s post—because not that many people care about my cat. I don’t even care that much for him.) 389 views

The 3rd most popular, at 286 views, is this one, which I really just can’t explain. Go figure. Who knew there was such interest?!

My favorite? Any one with a comment from you, dear reader. Keep ‘em coming and thank you for your support and interest, even when I have nothing positive or funny to think, not to mention write about.

Due to a couple hundred apparently bored people looking at a post from late February on icanhazcheezburger,* I not only had a record number of people referred to my site, but a record number of page views today.

It was so good that my total number of page views hit 6000 today, which I wasn’t expecting for a few more days!

Now for someone like the late-lamented-but-not-late omarphillips.net or a site like gizmodo.com, which receive about a bazillion hits a day, my numbers would be pitiful.

And don’t get me wrong – I was excited that blogher.com mentioned my post Heart attacks: part of the “economic stimulus package” but it didn’t generate nearly the traffic that cheez did.

And for me, a humble person in the flyover zone who talks to herself a lot, this is big. Unfortunately, the post they linked to was kind of lame-o without the background story.

To see that, click the above link, look for This just in: L’il F****er, and go to the link in it for the premature eulogy and (what I think is) a better entry than what they linked to (which is done automatically).

Or just click here and skip all that: Li’l F####er—a eulogy?

Given that my sister Grace, my friend Susan, my colleague Brett and an occasional uncle or two (Bob & Chris) are my “core audience,” getting to 6000 people in one year is pretty good. Today excepted, that means my core audience has (on average) each looked at my blog over 1200 times last year. Thanks you guys! Where do you find the time?

I’ve said before that the numbers aren’t as meaningful as providing people enjoyment, but we all know that’s bull*&^-: I want both.

*I don’t get it either…

I’ve had this blog up for almost a year and I just got my 4000th view tonight. Thank you!

PS: I’ve also gotten an 1269 spams (not included in the count above).

I’m playing around with templates (::yawn:: sick of the other one—need some variety) so site will be changing as I have time to do it.

Note to the sistas: SOME of the photos don’t “magnify” when you click on them but plenty do, e.g.-the teeth photos.

Notes about change: photo in the new header is great, but it comes w/the template and lord knows i have enough photos of my own—I should be able to find something that fits me better. Soon. Use ‘It Just Never Stops?’ or ‘it’s never done’? or …?

This template (so I remember it) is called Connections. The old one was Kubrick, and the next ones to try are Garland and Emire.

I can’t figure out how to change the headers on the right—another note to self: contact Support.

I think my brain scan is exciting the same way new parents think their baby’s first fart is fascinating. That is, I care but nobody else does. Increase your blog traffic by…

It’s okay—I’ve had a bit of rejection lately so this is nothing new…Another one bites the dust…

OTOH, people seem to like the pix of sistas with bad teeth, probably mostly the sistas themselves. Fangks Mawm end Dayad

Brett, as a special demonstration of appreciation for you being one of my estimated 6-7 regular readers, I want to single you out specifically to let you know I was so hellbent on getting outta there today that I didn’t tell you goodbye.

See you soon! Remember to pray to the sun gods for me. Bob will probably be too busy to talk much for the next week, since he’ll be doing real (i.e.-my) work.

Don’t worry though; it’ll be good for him. If things get bad, an infusion of chocolate from Robert will fix him right up.

Stay warm, work hard, have fun with your girls, and see you soon. M.

Here’s where I’ll be if you need to reach me:

my-loc.jpg

but I’ve already “failed” to meet my first goal* of the new year, which is (was) to finish priming the damn walls by 3pm (central time).

I’m almost done though.

OTOH** I have already written 3 posts this year!!

*note this is not the same as a resolution

**special note to Sarah: This stands for “On The Other Hand.”

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