I do not even know where to begin. Right now: a rabbit is not 10 feet—no, make that FIVE feet—from my dog, who is laying (lying?) amongst the daylilies and hasn’t even noticed the rabbit, her natural prey. I’m betting that’s because she’s too busy wondering when I’m going to put her out of her misery. 

She has (more) newly-diagnosed arthuritis (a great-Aunt-Helen-ism), and a bulging disk in her neck, causing enormous pain. Crying, collapsing, not moving for minutes at a time (or moving 5x/minute, trying to find a comfortable position); it cannot last much longer. She’s been up and down for the past 9 days. So she’s over there resting (?) among the plants now, me over here wondering if it’s “time.”

downy woodpeckerMeanwhile, the SECOND downy woodpecker of the day is on my back porch right now. Yeah, it’s about 6′ away and is trying to peck a hole out of my screens to escape. And the NEIGHBOR’S cat (NOT mine) is doing the “I-want-you-but-I-know-I’ll-never-have-you” growl to the bird on my porch, from 20 feet away in the window from the house next door .

Oh wait, that was so 20 seconds ago: Li’l F#&^er (see below) has finally seen the woodpecker. (Given that they’ve both been on the same porch 5 feet away from each other for a while now, it’s kind of sad really.) And here comes Allie** who’s ready to do some business with that bird. Just like she did with another one a couple of days ago (though not on the porch TG***).     ***SN: That means “Thank God.”

You probably have a number of questions right now.  Like, “Why aren’t you helping the bird out off the porch?” Well, I did with the 1st of today’s birds. With that one, I gave up after flapping my cushions and hoping to god nobody was looking over at me looking like an idiot. I went inside and ate, and looked out the back door JUST in time to see it fly out. So I know it was gone.

This bird is well, more stupid. “How do you know it’s not the same bird?” Valid question: I know it’s not the same bird because this one is smaller, has a different flight pattern, and its beak is pointier than the previous one. And I’ve had enough time to study both up close.

“How are you able to capture this action as it happens?” Well, that would be thanks to $801.02 for my laptop (more to come on that) and the wireless connection from hell that finally seems stable and that took 3 geeks HOURS to get to work.

Oh lord, the 2nd rabbit has just gone hopping past my dog. This is getting sadder by the moment.

Hold on while I retry the bird evacuation. Didn’t work; flagged down a neighbor who’s coming soon. Checked the dog and she’s re-located and is now chewing a bone. From ‘near death’ to ‘sheer enjoyment’ in 15 min. That’s just crazy.

A little while later: Both neighbors came over and so did their cat (the one that bit me and I had to go on antibiotics and have a tetanus from), which got Bubba all riled up, while we’re trying to be calm and get this damn bird out, using the cushions and pillows from 3 porch chairs and a couch to “fence it in,” all 3 of us flapping our arms and having a standoff with this stupid, tired bird. And our arms were tired too, believe you me.

So I scooped up Bubba, took him in and ran to get the hose sprayer; it’s been so wild that I haven’t even used the sprayer yet this spring—fellow gardeners, THAT should tell you what you need to know about my life lately. One neighbor squirted the bird to get it to move off the screen, but it just held on tighter (read: bigger hole in screen).

Finally, when it was sufficiently drenched, it dropped to the ground just in time for the 2nd neighbor to arrive back with a towel. She (bless her) picked it up, wrapped it in the towel, and left with it to better places.

I went back inside to retrieve my laptop (no WAY was it gonna get squirted), and my remaining animals followed me inside. I left all the damn animals inside and came back out, where I’m finishing this up, enjoying NO animals on the porch, nothing growling at something else, nothing watching my every move, with just a rabbit in the yard (sigh), a squirrel climbing up the tree, and the chuch bells in the distance.

Just another Sunday night in the ‘burbs.

*Li’l F*&^%er is Bubba, the fat tabby cat, who is everything his nickname suggests.

**Allie is the “co-dependant kitty” that tries to suckle on my earlobes even though she’s 13 years old.