True Tales of Sex in the ‘Burbs or Sex tales by REAL single women

The following are all true stories from sources whose identities I promised I would not reveal:

—The kleptomanaical cat: Her cat stole q-tips from the trash can. She knew this since the trash can was continually being tipped over, so she closed the bathroom door. Finding the cat’s stash of her jewelry was another story though, and it forced her to change how she stored her jewelry.

This all was amusing until she came home one day to find accessories from her vibrator scattered down the main interior staircase. Now she closes everything but she still hesitates to invite someone in until she’s done a quick inspection of the premises.

—What dreams: After she broke up with her boyfriend she would still dream of having sex with him. As time passed, the boyfriend’s face became a blur instead of a specific face, so she was making love with a man without a face. Finally, she started dreaming she was having sex with her favorite vibrator. That’s when she decided it was time to think about dating again.

—Emergency extraction #1 or “A Perfect Script for Seinfeld” (for those who remember the episode with fights over the last box of discontinued contraceptive sponges.) Contraceptive sponges have a “convenient loop” that you’re supposed to be able to “simply pull (on) to remove.”

She found out the hard way that if they’re too far up and get turned sideways, nothing short of needle-nose pliers or an emergency doctor visit will get it out. She seriously thought of doing the former, but wisely decided upon the latter.

—Emergency extraction #2 (or “Ewwwwwwwwwww—just get a vibrator, wouldja?”) My former gynecologist told me that the most unusual extraction he did was to remove part of a cucumber from a woman. He claimed it had been in her so long that the seeds literally started sprouting.

When I told this to my friend P, he asked how they could have sprouted without light, which of course brought up a slew of unpleasant thoughts, so maybe the gyno. was exaggerating about the sprouting part. I can believe the part about the broken cucumber but he was just clever enough that he was probably pulling my leg about the sprouting part. Gives the concept of “organic” a whole new meaning though, doesn’t it?!