I hate my animals.

Actually, today (right now) the dog is okay but even she knows to tread lightly.

My opinion of her could change any moment, depending on the next “bodily function in an inappropriate place” or the next “dead animal in an inappropriate place” encounter.

The cats? I am OVER them. They just need to die already.

Don’t bother calling the Humane Society, ASPCA, my parents, or my shrink. After hearing some of my dead animal stories they’d either agree or kill them on the spot.

I know—I’m a cold beatch.

But YOU try cleaning up the 987th “unrecognizable except for the blood and tail” dead animal inside the house or cat barf from on top of your car.* Then we’ll talk…

*The ONLY bonus about this is that I can see the top of my car better in a parking lot.