Few things are more alarming than getting mail with the IRS logo and red writing .

All I managed to read — before I got heart palpitations — was “ENCLOSED IS AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM THE IRS…”

Since I’m having my refund direct deposited, the first thing I thought was “Oh sh**—an AUDIT?!”

Not that I have anything to hide from them, mind you. Far from it. I love the IRS — they perform a valuable service for the U.S. people.

It’s just that it in my never-ending battle ever-vigilant attempts to keep paper to a minimum, I don’t keep old bank statements, flexible spending info., stuff I don’t think they’d care about…

If mean, if I know I should keep it I scan or file it. But usually I end up thinking “Well, it’s stored at the bank / vendor / insurance co. I could just get them to dig it up if I need it. All I end up doing is shredding it eventually anyway … The odds of an audit are small.”

But let me tell you, if you ever see those capitalized red letters (and don’t read the rest of the text), you too might have a borderline heart attack.

And then I read the rest of it:


Jeez — can’t they lighten up? Make it look like a winning Publishers’ Clearinghouse Sweepstakes entry or something?! Get people happy to see mail from the IRS, not heart-attacky.

But then I thought about it more (I know, hard to believe)…

Even if only 1 in 10 who gets this has a heart attack and dies, the government will save millions, maybe trillions on this “stimulus package.” Again, remember math isn’t my strong suit < pi day > so it could save them even more. The gov’t. might not want the “stimulus package” to work.

OTOH if people have heart attacks and live, they’d use their “stimulus” check on medical bills. That would certainly stimulate the economy.

Either way, I’m now convinced that heart attacks are part of the “economic stimulus package.”