All I can say is ‘thank god for the internet.’ Well, of course you know that’s not all I can say, because that would be boring (“Why Marie/y, how could that be more boring than hearing you whine about dead animals on your back porch?” Yes, I heard you say that.).

I have had the same nasty (albeit clean) cracked padded toilet seat on my toilet for long enough (i.e.-it’s cracked enough) that it pinches your heiny (sp?) when you sit. You are probably saying “Well duh Marie/y, have you ever thought of buying a new toilet seat?”

The answer is: “Of course, you so-and-so!” (I don’t want to insult my readership so I won’t say ‘you moron’ or ‘you idiot.’)

The problem is this:


Yeah, it’s pink salmon. Just like all the fixtures in my otherwise BLUE bathroom.



God, WHAT were they thinking? Who could have ever thought those 2 colors would be aesthetically pleasing or appropriate together??? The only thing I could think of to “improve” it was to really shock the eyes with a sunshine yellow towel and rug ensemble.

That said, I LOVE my soft padded seat. It makes it so much less traumatic to go the bathroom in the winter. Nothing makes your iliopsoas and SI joint seize up faster than sitting on a cold toilet seat in the dead of winter.

Usually I switch to the non-padded (cooler) seats for summer, but a couple of years ago I started having problems finding salmon toilet seats, padded or not.

I knew it was just a matter of time before they were extinct, but knowing something intellectually and living it are entirely different.

The last time I bought them I got two in anticipation (yet not quite believing) they’d go extinct. And boy am I glad I did. I have gone to every hardware store in the bi-state region an 8-mile radius and they are just gone. No hard ones, no soft ones, no pink.

Consequently I’ve practically needed stitches from sitting on this for so long , such a long time , for brief periods even briefly over many months.

Someone suggested I “just get white.” Uh helloooo?! Have you NO sense of aesthetics?! It’s not bad enough I have pink salmon fixtures in a blue room, but now you want me to get a toilet seat that, while great on a white toilet, would make the whole room look more ridiculous, if that’s even possible.

And so I kept getting pieces of plastic embedded in me until I finally went online. duh

At first I tried the “traditional” online presences for brick and mortar stores to no avail. Although you can (get it? can? the can? going to the can? It really wasn’t intentional), for ~$66 choose a toilet seat from a palette of 94 colors from Bemis.

Anyway, in desperation I just Scroogled it (no that’s not Google, it’s Scroogle — at It’s Google, but with privacy. LOVE it.

I typed in pink padded soft toilet seat, and there it was, at an ace hardware outlet store. Not a good sign that Ace has relegated them to the outlet, since Ace is where I’ve gotten my last several, but I ordered two.

And no fat people will be allowed to sit on it and it will only be used in the winter. I also ordered one regular non-padded one for summer usage.

By the time they’re totally unavailable I will either have a new bathroom, will be moved out, or that color ensemble will be back (?) in fashion.

You just wait. In about 10 years, Restoration Hardware will start selling them for $100. apiece.