I got an unexpected phone call the other night.

I saw the number on my cell and thought it looked familiar but I didn’t pick it up, partially because if it was that familiar they would’ve been in my phone book and their name would’ve been on caller id.

So later I listened to the voice mail and was shocked to hear that it was from an old boyfriend. If you heard the message you would’ve sworn we had just talked a few days ago; he was that “familiar” in tone.

Essence of the message: “Hey, thought I’d call and say ‘boo.’ Just re-something’d the kitchen and saw some notes you wrote on the wall behind the refrigerator and thought I’d give you a call. (something about) One of the notes said ‘Marie/y was here 1989’ so it was definitely overdue for painting, blah blah blah. I’ll fill you in when you call back.”

Well, I was surprised to get this voice mail for several reasons:

  • I haven’t talked to him for 17 (yes, seventeen) years. Of all the reasons for calling (after seventeen years), I can’t imagine that the prompt was seeing my notes scrawled on the wall. Like, you just remembered about me for the first time in seventeen years when you saw my notes on your wall?!
  • He was the one who forgot to tell me he broke up with me before he started seeing his next girlfriend.
  • He’s never apologized or contacted me in the intervening seventeen years.

I can’t imagine it was a booty call, which I wouldn’t put past him even though it’s been seventeen years, not to mention all of the above. I know I haven’t gotten one in a while so maybe I wouldn’t realize it unless he said, “Come over and let’s do it on the kitchen table.” But I really think I’d know…

Talk about nerve. Was he tripping or WHAT?!

“Well,” you might say, “maybe that was his way of making contact so he could finally apologize to you.”

To which I would say (yet again) “after seventeen years?!”

If that were the case, how about an introductory, “Hey Marie/y, I realize we haven’t been in contact since you found out I was effing around on you seventeen years ago and I broke your heart and caused a depression so deep you never thought you’d get out of and caused you to still have ‘trust issues’ with men.

And I know I’ve never apologized and I’ve felt deep regret for over the last seventeen years but I was (whatevering) the kitchen and came across your notes and thought it was about time I called to apologize and see how you’ve been for the past seventeen years.”

But no, unless it was somehow implied, I didn’t get any of that from the message.

Seriously, what was he thinking?! This is yet another reason I’ll never understand men.