Need a new category

The following should be read aloud in your best toothless old fart reliving days of yore voice.

Now back when I was a youngen this woulda been the size of a room and only Bill Gates coulda afforded it:



*Cardinals coach: Hot

*Kurt Warner: Still hot

*Favorite commercial (only one that sticks out): Conan doing the Swedish commercial

*All things being equal I would’ve rather watched Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl (oh to have “at will” cable).

I just found out about the Puppy Bowl the other day and watched all the clips I can find on the NerdNet. I’ve even thought of getting the – ahem- video collection. Looza? You betcha.

*Think this post sounds like  a “chick” post? Whatever. I bet there are lots of guys who’d agree with me on at least one of these points.

OMG, I just realized that Christmas is in a week. I have nothing. Not even a list.

Given my current sitcheation I am brainstorming (with myself) for inexpensive gifts ideas.

So far:

-clothespin ornaments

-dough ornaments decorated with the ink of Sharpie pens (or interior glossy latex white paint and/or black BBQ pit paint)

-homemade bacon fat and birdseed covered pine cone (for birds, although it might be a fiber-filled breakfast for people too)

-my collection of hotel room shampoo bottles

-“Let’s make pasta” basket with 1/2 box of spaghetti noodles, can of diced tomatoes, spices in baggies (or in cleaned-out hotel room shampoo bottles), Parmesan cheese

-Cat food seasoned with Penzey’s Sandwich Seasoning (makes anything taste good!)

-OOH! I have homemade pesto in the freezer from my surplus basil crop this year! Yay! That’s almost like a real gift. Wonder if it would fit in those hotel room shampoo bottles

-Litter box sculptures painted with Kilz – they’d be abstract, of course, given the nature of what is in a litter box.

-And for my new brother-in-law, who said he’d eat just about anything but squirrel: a newly-killed, fresh-frozen m/vole from the back porch

Alrighty, that’s all I can come up with right now.

Let me know if you have any ideas.

Please. I beg you. My family and friends beg you.

With impending under-employment, I started to rationalize away the “need” to buy a new TV, which I’ve since learned also means a new DVR if I want to watch TV while recording something else. Which happens more than you might think.

Regular readers know I love the Ellen de Generes show (and even if you’re irregular, you still might know). Aside from her, an occasional Opie (my “pet” name for Oprah, whom I was known to worship) and stuff on PBS (ooh – but that’s an important consideration) I figured I could watch everything else on my laptop ’til I saved up the moolah, pried open my wallet, or had a new job.

Then I remembered my new favorite daytime show that I also record now, The Bonnie Hunt Show. She’s a comedian who’s been in a lot of stuff over the years. I can’t think of anything right now except David Letterman, but check out They’ll tell you.

I love her show: She’s about 2 years than me, is a fellow Midwesterner (Chicago) and she’s a little ‘off.’  She grew up in a big family too (need I say more?!) Like me, she’s also single, without kids, although she is recently divorced (I knew better twice).

Take today’s show, which I’m watching now: She just had Tim Conway on. She’d never met him and she’d admired him so long she was practically crying. They got Bob Newhart to bring out a Bday cake for Conway and she called both of them “Mister.”

Seriously, can you see someone like Tyra Banks <subtext: young> calling either of them “Mister”?!

She just lets herself out and she’s hilarious. Also today, she had a hot French chef on.

(Actually I think a French man could look like a blister, but as soon as he talked to me – English or French – I’d melt). Raarr.

Anyway, she cracked me up too (and this is definitely a maybe – you – had – to – be – there moment) because she was practically retching at the thought of cutting into some seafood thing that (frankly) looked like (what I imagine) a whale’s pen@s must look like.

It was one of those things that wouldn’t have looked so gross if you didn’t know what it was.

The audience was laughing but she said something like “What?! Some people have ‘texture stuff.'”

(like my friend Ann, who can’t abide talking about – not to mention eating – jelly. I know, I don’t get it either).

Like I said, possibly a you – had – to – be – there moment, but all of these are making me re-think the whole tv thing now dammit, ’cause you can’t get any of this online (that I’ve figured out, anyway). sigh.

I realize these are terrible problems to have. Add the whole “gadget geek” part and it’s downright hell I tell you, but that’s ok. No pity is needed, although money (or gifts in kind) are welcome… Also please drop a note if you know how to get this online – ahem.