The crime beat


This writer has such a way with words when reporting on his/her beat for the hell hole that is Hill Rock (a thinly-veiled pseudonym for a local ‘burb):

Hill Rock’s “indigenous pharmaceutical salesmen wasted no time in their effort to stimulate the drug economy…by offering $10 crack rocks at a local drug emporium on (street name)…”

The writer clearly sees the bright humorous side of things and is a smartass I can relate to.

For previous entries click on “The crime beat” in the ‘Categories’ column to the right.



“A resident…reported that his wife had locked herself in the bedroom 2 days earlier after an argument and would not open the door. An officer…made contact with the wife, who said everything was OK. But she said she was not coming out until her husband apologized.”

No word if the husband ever apologized.

Police were called because a woman reported that her daughter “was leaving her mangy mutt of a dog at her house.”

So they go there and the daughter said she didn’t want to take the dog with her because the “seat belt on the passenger side was not working, so legally she could not transport the dog.

The officers advised her that it would be ok to have the dog sit in the back seat without a seat belt.

They further advised (her) that in case she was stopped for not having the dog buckled up, they would clear it with the officers who stopped her.”

— part of a continuing series of news snippets to keep you informed what life is really like out there*

Police were called to name of store because a teenage boy kept opening different boxes. He told the cops he was opening them to see what was inside.

“The young man appeared surprised when officers informed him that the item’s picture was displayed on the outside of the box.

Another rocket scientist in the making, police said.”


*Click on the “The crime beat” category for more.

Recently in Hill Rock, police were called to a restaurant because a man was “painting unsolicited pictures of women.”

When they told him to leave he said “I can paint anyone, anywhere I want to.”

Per the newspaper, “The artist was escorted to a quiet cell to reflect on his next painting.”

Ok well, I thought it was funny.

Our local weekly newspaper (although how it can be called a newspaper but only come out once a week defies logic) does a weekly roundup of “crimes” and police calls for several local ‘burbs.

There’s one ‘burb in particular — I’ll call it Hill Rock to maintain its anonymity — whose beat reporter and/or whose cops are hiLARious.

I’ve talked about it before (see Crime in the ‘hood!) but have been collecting it weekly since then. Since I have accumulated so many I’ll just post one or 2 when I am too lazy to come up with something myself my creativity is at a lull.

So, in no particular order…

1. Police were called about someone “‘hopping around like a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest,’ police said. Officers found a local man just having fun, and told him to leave the area. The man was last seen skipping down the school’s driveway.”

2. Police were called about someone going door to door “to practice a speech…Officers arrived quickly to speak to the great orator. The man…was advised that if he was soliciting he would need a city permit. The man said he would never solicit…”

3. Yet…they were called back shortly about the same guy, who was now a block away. “The officer questioned the resident and learned the subject was trying to sell magazines. He was arrested…and treated to the accommodations of the ‘gray bar hotel.'”

Except of area crime reports from local (really local) suburban weekly adpaper newspaper…

Text in quotes is from the rag paper:
1. Police were called on a report of suspicious vehicle in <local bar’s> parking lot: “The couple in the vehicle was discussing the birds and the bees. They were sent on their way.”

2. A woman reported her 3 year-old nephew had disappeared “while she was taking a nap. Officers located the juvenile within minutes. The child was hiding from his aunt under the covers in the bedroom.”

‘Nuff said…